The Sexmas sex toy gift lists are out now. Reading them, you’d think the sexy people of the world have nothing more pressing than the need for a $130 vibrator.
This year, I’m (mostly) being restrained, and buying him things besides the handcuffs and njoy wand we invested in last year. For one thing, we’re pacing ourselves. For another, there are plenty of vanilla things we want and need.
Most of all, though, I’m realizing that when it comes right down to it, we get the most enjoyment out of our bodies and our minds. Aside from our amazing collar and cuffs, a few sets of clips, and his gorgeous riding crop, most of the things we enjoy are either cheap pervertibles (clothespins, leashes, things-what-he-uses to whack my ass) or are attached to us 24-7.
Exhibit A: we own four “real” vibrators between the two of us, and none of them does a darn thing for me. (Okay, one of them does. But only when he takes the time to really work at it, and me.) Leaving out the rabbit vibe that he can make sing when he wants to . . . that’s $110 vibrating dollars, so far next-to-useless on me, and not for want of giving it a good college try.
I’m not sure why none of it appeals. It’s partly, I think, that we’re too lazy to get the toys out (because we’re both so compulsive about storing and cleaning them.) And partly because, with toys, they really have to work, and you never know what will do the job.
Take those four vibes. Not a one of them is a patch on the $20 Brookstone “face massager” I got almost ten years ago as a birthday present. I’d love to “upgrade” it to something that looks a little less industrial. But the wondrous thing about this little massager (besides the fat, satisfying curve of the version I have) is the pitch of the vibrations . . . they are slow, low, deep frequency, a seductive hum. Virtually every other vibrator I’ve known shocks my clit into total sensory overload, an upleasant numbing-out, within seconds.
Why is it so hard to find something similar, except cute? I don’t get it. They’ve started to advertise sex toys so much more clearly. They’ll tell me all about the materials, the color, the size, the specs, the designer . . . why can’t they just tell me what the damn thing feels like?! Is that really so hard?
And while I’m on my rant here (I mean, ’tis the season to rant–I hate the holidays), no one talks about this in reviews, either. I know. I’ve been reading reviews for months, searching for something that says “really low thrum vibe.” Can’t find it. So if anyone knows anything out there with about the vibratory intensity of a washing machine–except a little bit smaller–let me know. I’ll tell Santa.
Edit: I see that the ever-innovative Babeland gives vibes “intensity ratings.” Ohhhhhhhhh-kay. I’d use their rating if I hadn’t read what they had to say about how to get the most out of your power-vibe: “If you have a strong vibe, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, you can put a cloth, blanket or hand in between your clit and the vibe to diffuse the stimulation.”
I did know that–I’ve wanked through panties before. But come on. A blanket? Ooh, sexy. “Hey babe, want to watch me rub a giant white-and-blue wand all over my blanketed lower torso? Yeah, you know you do! Oh yeah baby, I’m hot, you know it.”
Edit 2: Okay, I think I can tell Santa myself. I just hope he has more money than I do . . . $37.99 for a pocket rocket?
Then again, it is pink . . .
Letters from a Seraglio 