R. and I have spent the last almost-two-weeks together, and most of it has been wonderful. We have been talking about things we have avoided for years, we have been working out ways to be together long-term, and we have had wonderful, happy days of travel and exploring.

Until about Monday, when everything started to feel wrong. We started fighting again . . . ugh, and I don’t even know about what.  We’re working on not fighting when we talk about serious stuff, but lots of times I think, why is stuff between us such hard work?  If it were right, it wouldn’t be nearly this hard.

As bad as that is the feeling, which has been around for a couple of months, that something in our BDSM is broken. My sex drive is at its lowest ebb in years and I don’t know why. (Yes, I know I need to talk to my doctor.) Meanwhile, because of all kinds of criticisms I’ve launched at Robbie, he’s feeling his confidence as a dominant at a massive low ebb. And on top of that, I can’t figure out what I want out of submission anymore, or even if I want to submit.

I just kind of don’t feel like having sex, for like, a year.

This is really unpleasant.

Sorry for such a downer entry. There are lots more good things going on but we had such a bummer of a non-successful fuck last night, and I just feel like poo. About 20 minutes into foreplay, Robbie said, “It seems like every time I do something, your response is discouraging.” I said, “That’s probably because I don’t really want to have sex.” He said, “That’s really sad and sad-making.”

And then he said, “But of course, you could still fulfill your promise.” (This is a tenant of our D/s. I once promised to give him head whenever he wanted. He promised to do the same to me, but since I don’t like it as much as he does and he’s the Dom, it basically means that he gets blow jobs whenever he wants.)  I was happy to comply, and soon enough he was rock hard and ready to fuck me, which he did, and it was exciting too, because he was saying things like, “I just want to you to feel my cock inside you, I want to fuck you and have you feel how much I want to fuck you.”  (I can’t remember the exact words, but it was kind of a “I’m so hot for you I want to (almost) rape you” sentiment, which was  super hot.)

And then his erection disappeared and he wailed, “This time it’s me!”, and I rubbed his back for a while (which is kind of our aftercare) and he said, after some time, “You know, this is so fucked.” 

I feel sure we can get through the sex stuff with the right attitude and some patience, but fuck if it’s not totally depressing.  Especially because I’m not sure what the right attitude in this case is.