Today I was sitting somewhere and I realized I needed to be put in my place.

I don’t usually think in these terms. Actually, I dislike a lot of BDSM lingo—I’m not so much offended by it–although it can offend–as turned off. Talking in D/s code all the time seems ludicrous. There are about a dozen words that get recycled as though they were the most arousing things under god’s green heaven—“fuck”; “slut”; “whore”; “cock”; “cunt”; “pussy”; “wet”; “cum”; “piss”; “hole”; “use” . . . oh, take your pick to make up the dozen.

To me it gets tiresome; it’s not any more exciting to constantly use these words, and only these words, than it was to restrict myself to using the phrase “making luuv” with one particular puritanical boyfriend I dated, lest I suggest that either of us had any carnal interest in what we were doing.

The fact is, I love being made love to by my lover. The last weekend we were together, there was very little raw, rough sex—by our standards at least. 😉 There was some juicy pain and some face-fucking and a fair amount of D/s . . . but both of us were mostly very tender and warm towards each other, which we needed to be right then. And the two things go together. As lil’ pig says, “there is something so wonderful about being made love to by the same man who the night before had me down on the ground, begging . . . “

Vanilla BeansSo . . . given how firmly I cling to my own vanilla flavors, I was surprised to find myself consciously wanting to be put in my place. I am sometimes so firmly convinced of my bland-bean flavor that I forget that there must be something in me that likes kink, besides my attraction to this man.

Because I am the obsesso I am, I had to translate “in my place” into language that “regular people” use. What does it mean to be put in my place? All part of the continuing struggle to figure out what an equal, feminist, submissive is. My place is not some 1950s, I-bow-down-to-you- oh-authority-of-the-house kind of deference. We are both clear on that. And he doesn’t micromanage my life, in any way. But my place isn’t just sexual, either. So what the heck do I mean by it?

I know lots of subs who say that when they are apart from their Doms, they feel very much “out of their place.” Seems to me, extrapolating, that wanting to be “put in place” means wanting to feel that connection to him—wanting the intensity of our intimacy, psychological, emotional, physical—wanting to be aware of what I mean to him and vice-versa. My place is, metaphorically, at his feet—I don’t frequently kneel to him, although I enjoy it when I do.

It’s hard to express what I mean. It is always hard, I find, to figure out what of this is ME—to say, okay, I am like other people in these ways, and that is good—but I am me, I am unique in these ways, this is how I think, and that much is worth saying and knowing. Even just so that I know it myself, and know myself.